A strange feeling woke me up. I looked at the wall clock and saw it’s already half past 11 before midnight. That only when it came to me I fell asleep in the living room while watching news.
Still lying in the sofa, I surveyed my eyes around, left to right, up, then, down. Everything is in the same way the way they used to be. Nothing changed aside from the pink curtain in the window which I remembered was green.
It made me sad. Then suddenly the feeling turned into fright. I jumped out of the sofa, walked a bit fast, open the first door I saw, looked inside, then the second, as if I am looking for something, until it made me locked up my self to the last, which is the bathroom. I flushed my face with water believing I might wake up out of this nightmare, only to realize I am not.
There I sob like a kid scared of something. No, it’s not because of the curtain but of the conclusion that I am already at home. Yes, it is nice to be back but, the back of my head tells me there must be something that is missing, that if I can’t have that something, it would surely be hard to live again. Even my self cannot tell what that thing is. I waited for few minutes for an answer, while tears went running down my cheeks, but nothing came. I laughed. How could I just act weird and cried without knowing what the reason behind is?
I went to my room, tried to go back to sleep when I discerned I just miss Mom. I miss it that when I wake up bad in the middle of the night, finding her arms securely wrapped around me, I would just close my eyes again and everything else will be fine. Or if not that way, I could just hug her tight.
Am I frightened of the the fact that I have to continue again a life I once had? Or maybe, to stop what I had just started?
With Love,
Ariane
