Hooray! 2009 has nearly drawn to a close; it’s been a great year. And like all the years before, this one seemed to fly by way too fast. I’ve been through a lot of good and bad times and lets reminisce some of those.
I had my eighteenth birthday, with surprise presence of mom, passed the Far Eastern University – Dr. Nicanor Reyes Medical Foundation School of Nursing’s Battery Examination, attended the Capping and Pinning Ceremony, received my UK Visa and after several times of flight moving, fled out of the country for the very first time on Summer and on Autumn for the second, was turned down for several times no matter how much I tried, got so used of pleasing others with each and every thing I make, been through lot of arguments with mom and became closer than ever.
I also made some new friends, caught up with the olds but lose some of them. I even had my last goodbye for having my heart broken while unconciously breaking others’ and decided to remove “in a relationship” out of my vocabulary.
It’s the same year I realized some of the most important lessons in life which made me changed for better, so you see, 2009 is when I had the biggest transition in my life so far, from being a child-like baby girl to a matured young lady.
I cannot keep my self from wondering what else could ever happen this coming year. I am excited to approach a brand new year, but I hate to see this Holiday Season come to an end. I always love the New Year, January is always a great month in my calendar as, well, it is my birthday.
With Love,
Ariane
Thursday 31 December 2009
Friday 12 June 2009
Weird
A strange feeling woke me up. I looked at the wall clock and saw it’s already half past 11 before midnight. That only when it came to me I fell asleep in the living room while watching news.
Still lying in the sofa, I surveyed my eyes around, left to right, up, then, down. Everything is in the same way the way they used to be. Nothing changed aside from the pink curtain in the window which I remembered was green.
It made me sad. Then suddenly the feeling turned into fright. I jumped out of the sofa, walked a bit fast, open the first door I saw, looked inside, then the second, as if I am looking for something, until it made me locked up my self to the last, which is the bathroom. I flushed my face with water believing I might wake up out of this nightmare, only to realize I am not.
There I sob like a kid scared of something. No, it’s not because of the curtain but of the conclusion that I am already at home. Yes, it is nice to be back but, the back of my head tells me there must be something that is missing, that if I can’t have that something, it would surely be hard to live again. Even my self cannot tell what that thing is. I waited for few minutes for an answer, while tears went running down my cheeks, but nothing came. I laughed. How could I just act weird and cried without knowing what the reason behind is?
I went to my room, tried to go back to sleep when I discerned I just miss Mom. I miss it that when I wake up bad in the middle of the night, finding her arms securely wrapped around me, I would just close my eyes again and everything else will be fine. Or if not that way, I could just hug her tight.
Am I frightened of the the fact that I have to continue again a life I once had? Or maybe, to stop what I had just started?
With Love,
Ariane
Still lying in the sofa, I surveyed my eyes around, left to right, up, then, down. Everything is in the same way the way they used to be. Nothing changed aside from the pink curtain in the window which I remembered was green.
It made me sad. Then suddenly the feeling turned into fright. I jumped out of the sofa, walked a bit fast, open the first door I saw, looked inside, then the second, as if I am looking for something, until it made me locked up my self to the last, which is the bathroom. I flushed my face with water believing I might wake up out of this nightmare, only to realize I am not.
There I sob like a kid scared of something. No, it’s not because of the curtain but of the conclusion that I am already at home. Yes, it is nice to be back but, the back of my head tells me there must be something that is missing, that if I can’t have that something, it would surely be hard to live again. Even my self cannot tell what that thing is. I waited for few minutes for an answer, while tears went running down my cheeks, but nothing came. I laughed. How could I just act weird and cried without knowing what the reason behind is?
I went to my room, tried to go back to sleep when I discerned I just miss Mom. I miss it that when I wake up bad in the middle of the night, finding her arms securely wrapped around me, I would just close my eyes again and everything else will be fine. Or if not that way, I could just hug her tight.
Am I frightened of the the fact that I have to continue again a life I once had? Or maybe, to stop what I had just started?
With Love,
Ariane
Thursday 16 April 2009
Playing safe
I've put up some walls to protect myself for quite some time - I've never gotten myself close enough to someone to talk about my deepest darkest secrets except my best friend. I'd get close, but the path I chose to define for myself was the path of listening. I'd always be the ear, with the occasional rambling of random blab. I'd contribute bits about myself, but not to a point of entirety - my walls were high and I didn't want to tear them down because it was just... comfortable. I've kept myself in a palace where I felt safe.
But I changed. Without being aware, I become more comfortable with these social groups I belong. I begin to talk and talk and talk so much about my self. I didn’t even notice that I already shared them my deeper, inner thoughts, my feelings. It’s where I feel safe now.
But I changed. Without being aware, I become more comfortable with these social groups I belong. I begin to talk and talk and talk so much about my self. I didn’t even notice that I already shared them my deeper, inner thoughts, my feelings. It’s where I feel safe now.
Monday 13 April 2009
Happy and contented
I had my last break up almost five months ago, also the longest period of time I’ve been single since I entered my first relationship.
Yeah, there are several men trying to change that . But I didn’t allow them, not allowing them and may be, won’t even allow them to. I admit I have crushes but no more than that.
I didn’t know why. I thought it were all about my last boyfriend. That maybe I still love him and have to win him back. But it’s not all about him anymore.
It is just that I’m not yet ready to be committed again. I’m happy for what I am now. SINGLE. I have more time for my self and my friends. I can focus on my studies without waiting for someone’s call or text. I can be around my self without someone trying to change me. I can talk with guys without someone getting jealous. I’m not required to tell someone where I am and what I am doing. I don’t have other priority except my self. I don’t have worries about break up. I have my world just mine.
Besides, I can’t feel that so-called “spark” to any one right now. And I haven’t found yet the man who is worthy enough for me to give up this freedom I have right now.
Don’t I make sense? Do you think I’m being so irrational?
With Love,
Ariane
Yeah, there are several men trying to change that . But I didn’t allow them, not allowing them and may be, won’t even allow them to. I admit I have crushes but no more than that.
I didn’t know why. I thought it were all about my last boyfriend. That maybe I still love him and have to win him back. But it’s not all about him anymore.
It is just that I’m not yet ready to be committed again. I’m happy for what I am now. SINGLE. I have more time for my self and my friends. I can focus on my studies without waiting for someone’s call or text. I can be around my self without someone trying to change me. I can talk with guys without someone getting jealous. I’m not required to tell someone where I am and what I am doing. I don’t have other priority except my self. I don’t have worries about break up. I have my world just mine.
Besides, I can’t feel that so-called “spark” to any one right now. And I haven’t found yet the man who is worthy enough for me to give up this freedom I have right now.
Don’t I make sense? Do you think I’m being so irrational?
With Love,
Ariane
Saturday 4 April 2009
Bicentennial Man
I was cleaning up my room few hours ago when I saw a piece of paper. It has quotations/dialogues I’ve wrote down last September from Bicentennial Man, a movie that was assigned for our group for a Movie Review in our class, Philosophy of Man.
The words are so inspiring so I’ve decided to make a blog for it. Well actually, I supposed to make one right after the day we’ve watched the film. I just can’t remember why I did not.
Three Laws of Robotics
“Andrew is not a person. He is a property. But a property is also important.”
“It doesn’t matter what he is. One needed to be benefit for what he does.”
“Things change. Things always change. People move on, as it should be.”
“One merely wishes to be declared to be free. Terrible wars have been fought where millions have died for one idea, freedom. And it seems that something that means so much to so many people would be worth having.”
“We have personality. Personality is much more important than intelligence.”
“Imperfection is what makes us unique.”
“It’s cruel that you can cry and I cannot. There is a terrible pain that that needed to express. Will all the people that I care for always leave?”
“Take chances, make mistake. Sometimes, it’s not important not to be perfect but do the wrong thing. Not to learn from your mistakes. We need to make them to find out what is real and what is not, to find out what you feel. Human beings are terrible messes.”
“He wants to be acknowledged for who he is. No more, no less. Not for acclaims, not for approval but the simple truth or recognition. And it needs to achieve he have to live or die with dignity.”
With Love,
Ariane
The words are so inspiring so I’ve decided to make a blog for it. Well actually, I supposed to make one right after the day we’ve watched the film. I just can’t remember why I did not.
Three Laws of Robotics
- A robot may not cause harm to human being or through an action, cause a human being come to harm
- A robot must obey all human orders except those orders that conflict with the first law.
- A robot must protect itself for as long as doing so does not conflict with the first two laws.
“Andrew is not a person. He is a property. But a property is also important.”
“It doesn’t matter what he is. One needed to be benefit for what he does.”
“Things change. Things always change. People move on, as it should be.”
“One merely wishes to be declared to be free. Terrible wars have been fought where millions have died for one idea, freedom. And it seems that something that means so much to so many people would be worth having.”
“We have personality. Personality is much more important than intelligence.”
“Imperfection is what makes us unique.”
“It’s cruel that you can cry and I cannot. There is a terrible pain that that needed to express. Will all the people that I care for always leave?”
“Take chances, make mistake. Sometimes, it’s not important not to be perfect but do the wrong thing. Not to learn from your mistakes. We need to make them to find out what is real and what is not, to find out what you feel. Human beings are terrible messes.”
“He wants to be acknowledged for who he is. No more, no less. Not for acclaims, not for approval but the simple truth or recognition. And it needs to achieve he have to live or die with dignity.”
With Love,
Ariane
Tuesday 31 March 2009
You Were
You were my first crush in FEU-NRMF. Someone I called gay for being quiet, mysterious and aloof at first. Someone, in return, called me tomboy for calling pretty girls as “chicks”. Someone I even had the same crush with. Someone I always kid, “Kakaiba ka talaga” for getting people’s attention in a party or a road doing nothing, whatever they are, boy, girl, gay, tomboy.
You were someone who has the most sensitive nose and neck. Someone who has the most ticklish body ever. Someone who loves the smell of women’s perfume than men’s.
You were someone who was sick during my debut and told me you would not come but there you were. Someone who left after my program to play DOTA but promised me that will come back then woke me up the following morning just to say goodbye.
You were someone who makes maniac gestures in the middle of a sleepy class but would stop it when others take a look, which makes me looks like crazy laughing at nothing. Someone always tease me with one of the our weird classmates ever. Someone started that issue about Kristian and I during an Anaphysio Class. Someone will make stories about me, someone, or any other else as if they will real and would just end up laughing when I said, “Kalokohan mo” or “Mapanirang tao ka talaga”.
You were someone I always asked before a quiz or an exam and would answer correct even though you said you hadn’t reviewed the lectures yet. Someone when asked about home works would just answer, “Hindi ko alam eh”. Someone I will coach during a test and will get higher score than me.
You were someone who cried for the very first time, in front of me because of that irritating attention you received from someone then proudly told others that you did. Someone always cry not of sadness but because of receiving an overwhelming comfort.
You were someone who would laugh at my jokes no matter how stupid they are. Someone whom I can share my silly thoughts with but never raised eyebrows for that. Someone never got tired of listening to my unending stories about an ex-boyfriend. And someone who will not stop annoying me when I said I have something to tell even that has nothing to do with you.
You were someone I can hug in a crowd without you pushing me. Someone who won’t mind having my hands wrap around your arms and play with your muscles. Someone who loves it when I give your sweat hands as a massage. Someone I always smell despite of being perspired. Someone would play with my hands full of paint. Someone who’d play tired and let me pull him in the hands with all my strength. Someone would text an old man who gave me his mobile number. Someone who surprised me that he really can give me a piggy-back no matter how thin he is. Someone who is so close to me that was even mistaken to be my boyfriend.
You were the first one who gave me that lollipop I’m craving for so much. And that someone who touched me when you said, “Ang galing mo naman, kahit badtrip na ‘ko, napapatawa mo pa rin ako”.
You were someone who can push me to be strong in spite of things that suck. Someone who made me believe that everything's going to be okay. Someone will dance when I’m not in the mood. Someone accompanies me when everyone else has left. Someone promised to never leave and to wear that black toga with me two years from now.
Then this day, I woke up and realized that you couldn’t be, anymore.
With Love,
Ariane
P.S.
Thanks for all the memories, the stories, the thoughts, the secrets, everything. I’ll miss you.
You were someone who has the most sensitive nose and neck. Someone who has the most ticklish body ever. Someone who loves the smell of women’s perfume than men’s.
You were someone who was sick during my debut and told me you would not come but there you were. Someone who left after my program to play DOTA but promised me that will come back then woke me up the following morning just to say goodbye.
You were someone who makes maniac gestures in the middle of a sleepy class but would stop it when others take a look, which makes me looks like crazy laughing at nothing. Someone always tease me with one of the our weird classmates ever. Someone started that issue about Kristian and I during an Anaphysio Class. Someone will make stories about me, someone, or any other else as if they will real and would just end up laughing when I said, “Kalokohan mo” or “Mapanirang tao ka talaga”.
You were someone I always asked before a quiz or an exam and would answer correct even though you said you hadn’t reviewed the lectures yet. Someone when asked about home works would just answer, “Hindi ko alam eh”. Someone I will coach during a test and will get higher score than me.
You were someone who cried for the very first time, in front of me because of that irritating attention you received from someone then proudly told others that you did. Someone always cry not of sadness but because of receiving an overwhelming comfort.
You were someone who would laugh at my jokes no matter how stupid they are. Someone whom I can share my silly thoughts with but never raised eyebrows for that. Someone never got tired of listening to my unending stories about an ex-boyfriend. And someone who will not stop annoying me when I said I have something to tell even that has nothing to do with you.
You were someone I can hug in a crowd without you pushing me. Someone who won’t mind having my hands wrap around your arms and play with your muscles. Someone who loves it when I give your sweat hands as a massage. Someone I always smell despite of being perspired. Someone would play with my hands full of paint. Someone who’d play tired and let me pull him in the hands with all my strength. Someone would text an old man who gave me his mobile number. Someone who surprised me that he really can give me a piggy-back no matter how thin he is. Someone who is so close to me that was even mistaken to be my boyfriend.
You were the first one who gave me that lollipop I’m craving for so much. And that someone who touched me when you said, “Ang galing mo naman, kahit badtrip na ‘ko, napapatawa mo pa rin ako”.
You were someone who can push me to be strong in spite of things that suck. Someone who made me believe that everything's going to be okay. Someone will dance when I’m not in the mood. Someone accompanies me when everyone else has left. Someone promised to never leave and to wear that black toga with me two years from now.
Then this day, I woke up and realized that you couldn’t be, anymore.
With Love,
Ariane
P.S.
Thanks for all the memories, the stories, the thoughts, the secrets, everything. I’ll miss you.
Monday 30 March 2009
Another goodbye
For a minute or two, I was happy when I saw my name on the official list of the Candidates for Capping. But, I really can't continue to smile and jump for joy knowing that a lot of people failed, especially those who became so special to me already.
Every semester, some people should have to say goodbye. And they will be added to the number of people you’ve lost before. Which is, the same reason why it doubles the pain you once felt.
I’ve gone through these things last semester, five months ago. But I have moved on somehow. I learned to accept that, yeah, maybe things really happen for reasons. I used to be okay but tonight, it just becomes too much. More than what it was. And I really can’t believe that I have to get over with this feeling. Again.
The news that came just few hours ago is so damn depressing. It doesn’t just hurt. It really sucks to feel this way. I don’t understand the way it is. And I bet time can never teach me how to.
Why? Again?
With Love,
Ariane
Every semester, some people should have to say goodbye. And they will be added to the number of people you’ve lost before. Which is, the same reason why it doubles the pain you once felt.
I’ve gone through these things last semester, five months ago. But I have moved on somehow. I learned to accept that, yeah, maybe things really happen for reasons. I used to be okay but tonight, it just becomes too much. More than what it was. And I really can’t believe that I have to get over with this feeling. Again.
The news that came just few hours ago is so damn depressing. It doesn’t just hurt. It really sucks to feel this way. I don’t understand the way it is. And I bet time can never teach me how to.
Why? Again?
With Love,
Ariane
Wednesday 18 February 2009
Leaving
How could you say goodbye when you don’t really want to leave? How could you say you are coming back when you know there’s just a bit of assurance that you are?
All I know is that, I’m going to miss everyone. Or maybe, much appropriate as every thing I have here.
Psst. Wag kayong magtatampo ah? Kung masakit naman sa inyo, mas masakit sakin eh. Kasi kapag umalis ako, isa lang naman mamimiss niyo, ako lang, kasi ako lang yung aalis. Pero ako, madaming mamimiss, kasi lahat kayo, maiiwan ko. Kayo, pwede pag magkita-kita, pero ako, hindi na pwede.
Pwede din namang, pag alis ko, mamimiss niyo ko ng ilang araw, ilang linggo, ilang buwan. Pero imposible rin sigurong ilang taon. Siguro pwede, pero yung natural na pagkamiss na lang, hindi tulad ng dati. Kasi isa lang naman ako eh. Pwedeng pag-alis ko, may darating na bagong “Arrah” “Ariane” “Aian” “Baby Girl” “Yhan” “Arrahliciouz” “Enaira”, etc. sa buhay niyo. At pwedeng pagdating ng araw na yun, makalimutan niyo na ring minsan akong naging bahagi ng buhay niyo.
With Love,
Ariane
P.S.
I’m trying to stay but time is separating us.
All I know is that, I’m going to miss everyone. Or maybe, much appropriate as every thing I have here.
Psst. Wag kayong magtatampo ah? Kung masakit naman sa inyo, mas masakit sakin eh. Kasi kapag umalis ako, isa lang naman mamimiss niyo, ako lang, kasi ako lang yung aalis. Pero ako, madaming mamimiss, kasi lahat kayo, maiiwan ko. Kayo, pwede pag magkita-kita, pero ako, hindi na pwede.
Pwede din namang, pag alis ko, mamimiss niyo ko ng ilang araw, ilang linggo, ilang buwan. Pero imposible rin sigurong ilang taon. Siguro pwede, pero yung natural na pagkamiss na lang, hindi tulad ng dati. Kasi isa lang naman ako eh. Pwedeng pag-alis ko, may darating na bagong “Arrah” “Ariane” “Aian” “Baby Girl” “Yhan” “Arrahliciouz” “Enaira”, etc. sa buhay niyo. At pwedeng pagdating ng araw na yun, makalimutan niyo na ring minsan akong naging bahagi ng buhay niyo.
With Love,
Ariane
P.S.
I’m trying to stay but time is separating us.
Tuesday 20 January 2009
Last goodbye baby
As I look back on all thats happened -- growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me -- there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I'll truly miss you and how much I truly love you. I’m trying to but I can't hide from these memories, because, they're there and no matter how hard I try to, I know they'll always be there.
Yes, we had said good-bye so many times before, but somehow we always managed our paths to cross and ended up in each others arms. But now when we said this good-bye, I have this feeling that I will never see you again. And that really hurts because I know that we are meant to lead our own separate lives. And I honestly don’t wanna cross your path in the future again ‘cause I don’t want all these feelings to come back and have to try to get over all over again.
It hasn't sunk in yet. I haven't totally realized that you'd pushed me out of your heart forever. I'm not sure I want it to hit me fully yet because I know that when it does, I will feel pain like nothing I have ever felt before. Life wouldn't be the same without you and all the memories you have given me but the pain is too strong right now and the tears are still lingering on my face. That is why I think it is best that I just go.
With Love,
Ariane
Yes, we had said good-bye so many times before, but somehow we always managed our paths to cross and ended up in each others arms. But now when we said this good-bye, I have this feeling that I will never see you again. And that really hurts because I know that we are meant to lead our own separate lives. And I honestly don’t wanna cross your path in the future again ‘cause I don’t want all these feelings to come back and have to try to get over all over again.
It hasn't sunk in yet. I haven't totally realized that you'd pushed me out of your heart forever. I'm not sure I want it to hit me fully yet because I know that when it does, I will feel pain like nothing I have ever felt before. Life wouldn't be the same without you and all the memories you have given me but the pain is too strong right now and the tears are still lingering on my face. That is why I think it is best that I just go.
With Love,
Ariane
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