You Were

You were my first crush in FEU-NRMF. Someone I called gay for being quiet, mysterious and aloof at first. Someone, in return, called me tomboy for calling pretty girls as “chicks”. Someone I even had the same crush with. Someone I always kid, “Kakaiba ka talaga” for getting people’s attention in a party or a road doing nothing, whatever they are, boy, girl, gay, tomboy.

You were someone who has the most sensitive nose and neck. Someone who has the most ticklish body ever. Someone who loves the smell of women’s perfume than men’s.

You were someone who was sick during my debut and told me you would not come but there you were. Someone who left after my program to play DOTA but promised me that will come back then woke me up the following morning just to say goodbye.

You were someone who makes maniac gestures in the middle of a sleepy class but would stop it when others take a look, which makes me looks like crazy laughing at nothing. Someone always tease me with one of the our weird classmates ever. Someone started that issue about Kristian and I during an Anaphysio Class. Someone will make stories about me, someone, or any other else as if they will real and would just end up laughing when I said, “Kalokohan mo” or “Mapanirang tao ka talaga”.

You were someone I always asked before a quiz or an exam and would answer correct even though you said you hadn’t reviewed the lectures yet. Someone when asked about home works would just answer, “Hindi ko alam eh”. Someone I will coach during a test and will get higher score than me.

You were someone who cried for the very first time, in front of me because of that irritating attention you received from someone then proudly told others that you did. Someone always cry not of sadness but because of receiving an overwhelming comfort.

You were someone who would laugh at my jokes no matter how stupid they are. Someone whom I can share my silly thoughts with but never raised eyebrows for that. Someone never got tired of listening to my unending stories about an ex-boyfriend. And someone who will not stop annoying me when I said I have something to tell even that has nothing to do with you.

You were someone I can hug in a crowd without you pushing me. Someone who won’t mind having my hands wrap around your arms and play with your muscles. Someone who loves it when I give your sweat hands as a massage. Someone I always smell despite of being perspired. Someone would play with my hands full of paint. Someone who’d play tired and let me pull him in the hands with all my strength. Someone would text an old man who gave me his mobile number. Someone who surprised me that he really can give me a piggy-back no matter how thin he is. Someone who is so close to me that was even mistaken to be my boyfriend.

You were the first one who gave me that lollipop I’m craving for so much. And that someone who touched me when you said, “Ang galing mo naman, kahit badtrip na ‘ko, napapatawa mo pa rin ako”.

You were someone who can push me to be strong in spite of things that suck. Someone who made me believe that everything's going to be okay. Someone will dance when I’m not in the mood. Someone accompanies me when everyone else has left. Someone promised to never leave and to wear that black toga with me two years from now.

Then this day, I woke up and realized that you couldn’t be, anymore.

With Love,
Ariane

P.S.
Thanks for all the memories, the stories, the thoughts, the secrets, everything. I’ll miss you.

Another goodbye

For a minute or two, I was happy when I saw my name on the official list of the Candidates for Capping. But, I really can't continue to smile and jump for joy knowing that a lot of people failed, especially those who became so special to me already.

Every semester, some people should have to say goodbye. And they will be added to the number of people you’ve lost before. Which is, the same reason why it doubles the pain you once felt.

I’ve gone through these things last semester, five months ago. But I have moved on somehow. I learned to accept that, yeah, maybe things really happen for reasons. I used to be okay but tonight, it just becomes too much. More than what it was. And I really can’t believe that I have to get over with this feeling. Again.

The news that came just few hours ago is so damn depressing. It doesn’t just hurt. It really sucks to feel this way. I don’t understand the way it is. And I bet time can never teach me how to.

Why? Again?

With Love,
Ariane

Leaving

How could you say goodbye when you don’t really want to leave? How could you say you are coming back when you know there’s just a bit of assurance that you are?

All I know is that, I’m going to miss everyone. Or maybe, much appropriate as every thing I have here.
Psst. Wag kayong magtatampo ah? Kung masakit naman sa inyo, mas masakit sakin eh. Kasi kapag umalis ako, isa lang naman mamimiss niyo, ako lang, kasi ako lang yung aalis. Pero ako, madaming mamimiss, kasi lahat kayo, maiiwan ko. Kayo, pwede pag magkita-kita, pero ako, hindi na pwede.

Pwede din namang, pag alis ko, mamimiss niyo ko ng ilang araw, ilang linggo, ilang buwan. Pero imposible rin sigurong ilang taon. Siguro pwede, pero yung natural na pagkamiss na lang, hindi tulad ng dati. Kasi isa lang naman ako eh. Pwedeng pag-alis ko, may darating na bagong “Arrah” “Ariane” “Aian” “Baby Girl” “Yhan” “Arrahliciouz” “Enaira”, etc. sa buhay niyo. At pwedeng pagdating ng araw na yun, makalimutan niyo na ring minsan akong naging bahagi ng buhay niyo.

With Love,
Ariane

P.S.
I’m trying to stay but time is separating us.

Last goodbye baby

As I look back on all thats happened -- growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me -- there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I'll truly miss you and how much I truly love you. I’m trying to but I can't hide from these memories, because, they're there and no matter how hard I try to, I know they'll always be there.

Yes, we had said good-bye so many times before, but somehow we always managed our paths to cross and ended up in each others arms. But now when we said this good-bye, I have this feeling that I will never see you again. And that really hurts because I know that we are meant to lead our own separate lives. And I honestly don’t wanna cross your path in the future again ‘cause I don’t want all these feelings to come back and have to try to get over all over again.

It hasn't sunk in yet. I haven't totally realized that you'd pushed me out of your heart forever. I'm not sure I want it to hit me fully yet because I know that when it does, I will feel pain like nothing I have ever felt before. Life wouldn't be the same without you and all the memories you have given me but the pain is too strong right now and the tears are still lingering on my face. That is why I think it is best that I just go.

With Love,
Ariane

Turning point

It's sad to accept how time flies so fast, that the person who was once your world, the one you start and ends your day with, the reason of your existence, has just swiftly turned into someone who only says "hi!" or gives you a smile.

Or worst, just a familiar face..

With Love,
Ariane

Have you?

Have you ever spend your life in hoping that the perfectly arched eyebrow or hottest new lip shade will mask a painful heart?

It's always funny when I keep on saying I’m doing fine and making people believe that I can make it when I know that they are my friends, and therefore, they can never be tricked easily with my fake smiles.

But can anyone please tell me that they feel for me and know how it feels to carry the burdens in my heart?

Have you ever come to the point of realizing that love really makes you stupid? That in spite of being aware that it's useless to keep on dreaming for what could have been, you really just can’t refrain yourself from thinking that the both of you were meant to be? You keep on torturing yourself with self-inflicted pains that you should not feel if you just stop your so-called longing for the person? Like still hoping even though you’ve been disappointed, still believing even though you've been dumped and still loving even though you've been hurt so badly. Moreover, you keep on insisting that you’re the one who could satisfy his need? That you're the only one who can love him this much.

But, above all, you’re wishing that these dreams, thoughts, hopes, beliefs, and love would all go away soon for you know you had to live your life in the best possible way, yet, it seems that you just can’t. And so you keep on wasting your time waiting just for someone who left you.

With Love,
Ariane

Half full or half empty?

Suppose you have a glass half filled with water. Would you say the glass is half full or half empty?

I still remember this question which was asked in our Introduction to Psychology just last year. I answered with a half full. The class was then split into two. Well, Professor Booth said that no one answered wrong. It’s just a matter of one’s observation, or point of view. He said that from both perspectives, the amount of water in the glass is the same. The only difference between each view of the glass is in one’s observation.

But why am I telling this? This past few days, everyone’s asking me, “Kung nahihirapan ka na, bakit nagtitiis ka pa?”

Well, because I love him and so he does. Thus, every single thing between us such as friendster comments, texts, chats, short time being together is enough for me in keeping the relationship we have in spite of the distance and tough communication. The glass serves as a metaphor for our relationship and water represents the good things in it. So, seeing the glass as half empty means dwelling on the lack in us while seeing it as half full means focusing more on the good things. I may sound martyr and yeah, it’s up to you to call me one.

But for me, it is always better to be optimistic than pessimistic. If you would like a full glass of water, then observing a glass as already "half full" would bring a realization of what you already have and would allow one to facilitate opportunities to fill the rest of the glass. Looking at the glass and finding joy in that makes it half filled already. But if you observe the glass to be "half empty", then you probably doesn't realize what you already have which may facilitates the losing of what you already have.

Got my point?! But let me clear this one, I am not against anyone’s opinion. Each of us is entitled to have their own and this is mine.

With Love,
Ariane

When pride gets in

I just want to share a two-sided story of a break up. This is the result of letting pride to take over in between misunderstanding.

Girl: I broke up with the guy I love so much last night. As days pass by, everything between us just becomes harder to bear until I became too paranoid and thought that he don’t love me anymore. And so, I thought that breaking up with him would be better but f*ck! It’s really overwhelming to lose him. I wanna have him back but I just don’t know how since I the one who am wanted this.

Boy: My girl broke up with me last night. She told me she’s not happy with me anymore. Thinking that continuing the relationship we have would just hurt her more, I didn’t attempt to fight the urge of keeping her anymore but I really do love her and its killing me. I really don’t want her to go but I have to set her free to prove that I love her and all I want is her happiness. Maybe this is the best for us.

With Love, Ariane

Why does it hurts so?

I don't cry a lot about you anymore but that doesn't mean I don't miss you like hell.

If I take it back to the beginning, I’d probably find no resolve strong enough to pacify me which is why I choose not to waste attempts on both. I’d stretch my memory only to the extent of knowing it's been quite a while since we separate schools. Anything beyond that is exhausting all over those 1, 2, or 3 weeks still sit at the back of my head, naturally following orders to steer clear from my everyday sight.

Rough days have been rare, but they suck. Sadly, every day’s been just that since we separate ways, and it doubles the pain that you really can't push me to be strong anymore. Before, it would've been one-two-three easy. Smiles lang, kulitan or I love yous, THEN DONE. As simple as that. It still baffles me that you had the quickest remedy to all things that suck, and that you had all ways to make me smile and feel better. I know it weren't the smiles, or the kulitan or anything else. It was you that made me believe that everything's going to be okay.

I know you still think of me once in a while, and if you haven't realized, my heart has a phenomenal empty space because of you. No, scratch that. Not you but the lack of you in my life.

I love you. The only comfort I have right now knows that you'll never forget about that, not even for a single day. Wherever you are, and whatever it is you're doing, my heart goes out to you like it always has, without a doubt.

With Love,
Ariane

Open and be close with others

It’s been two weeks since the second semester of our sophomore life had started. Same as the number of weeks we are all frustrated for being distributed in all the blocks in our level while others are in other universities now. Each and every one of us still finds it hard to adjust to our new environment and accept that what happened leads us to different lives now. But we can do nothing about it anymore. We have to accept the fact that no matter how much we cry or reminisce the past months of our lives, we can no longer have exactly the same class we had before and now in a new block with most faces are strangers to us.

What else can we do? The key is to remember they have already established a “society” and we have to find a way in. Pursue others, and don’t give up. Reach out and chat with people next to us in class. What is the worst that could happen? We are new, people will most likely forget to invite or include us, even if they want to. It just isn’t a habit for them to do things with us, so they probably won’t think about us. As well as we don’t think about them. But we have to remember, relationships take time. And it’s the best to befriend with everybody in the class like we had before in our block.

Well, don’t take it personally if others don’t reach out; everybody is busy and people have agendas. Now, how do we go about forming these relationships? Rule of thumb: never be afraid to jump in. Joining conversations will help us find potential friends who share the same interests. Even though our instincts tell us to withdraw, it is critical to fight them if we really want to break the mold.

After a couple days, I know we can already activate the main ingredient for success. People are attracted to confidence and happiness. My secret is they don’t have to know if it is genuine. If we look and act confident they won’t know the difference. No one wants to know if it is legit, but they probably will want to know us if we are quick to laugh and consistently positive. The most important thing is not to lose sight of who we are. It will take a while to feel comfortable and actually meet people, but I know that eventually the “fake” confidence won’t be an act anymore.

For those of you who consider this blog irrelevant may be thinking “Well, they’re new, who cares? This has nothing to do with me,” are probably comfortable with your established lifestyle and aren’t exactly looking for a change. Honestly, that is true: you can choose to ignore them … or you could give them a chance. You don’t have to make any commitment just by being nice to them. And who knows? We could find our new social group.

With Love,
Ariane